So, with this, our 100th newsletter, we offer some sobering data about public disrespect and provide some simple, practical techniques for addressing it.
A show of hands…
- How many of you, when you’re entering or exiting a convenience store, will hold the door open for a complete stranger?
- And if a customer in that store sneezes, how many of you will say “bless you,” or “gesundheit,” or if you’re in Italy, “salute”?
- And if you bump into another customer by mistake, how many of you will say “excuse me” or “pardon me”?
If you raised your hand for all three questions, good for you, you’re consistent in practicing what we call “Regular Respect,” also known as “common courtesy.”
The thing is, when the stakes are low, tempers are calm, and no one is intentionally behaving badly, it is relatively easy to be respectful of others, even complete strangers. This is reassuring, even comforting.
But common courtesy and respect are becoming far less common these days. According to a significant amount of research, we are living in a time of rampant public disrespect. A recent survey by Georgetown University found that 75% of all frontline workers (workers who directly interact with customers and patients such as grocery store clerks, flight attendants, retail associates, nurses, clinical staff, and first responders) in 25 major industries across the globe have experienced disrespect and incivility by customers on an average of once a month in the past year. Even more chilling, 73% of those workers assume this behavior is normal and to be expected!
If you’re a regular reader of Respectfully Resist, you’ve seen me list the specific data before but there’s value in summarizing it…
Public verbal attacks and slurs, and even physical attacks and violence not only toward frontline workers but also toward traditional minorities such as Blacks, Jews, and members of the LGBTQ+ and AAPI communities have significantly increased since the beginning of the pandemic. They are continuing even though the pandemic emergency was officially declared “over” in April of 2023.
Additionally, public confidence in our institutions is in serious decline. According to Gallup, which has been annually surveying Americans on this topic for over 50 years, trust in many traditional institutions has cratered to all-time lows. For example, trust in the US Supreme Court, the police, organized religion, public schools, big business, and newspapers has never been lower since the survey began.
In short, respect seems to be under assault because a whole lot of folks – including our politicians and many of our major business leaders – no longer believe, if they ever did, that being publicly respectful has any value. This is a serious development, something we should all be concerned about.
While there are many underlying factors that have brought us to this societal nadir, we are convinced that since public disrespect is so visible and infectious, and because so many of us feel powerless when confronted with it, it is imperative that we pay attention to it and learn to address it effectively. We believe that by respectfully resisting disrespect we can make the world a better place.] for everyone.
Now, you may be saying, “Okay Gregg, I get it. So, what can I do about it? I’m not one of those people who publicly disrespect others. And I don’t want to get into a fight with those who do.” Believe me, I feel you. But if we do nothing, then nothing is going to change.
Here are three things you can do to respectfully resist public disrespect…
- Talk To Others About It – many of us chat in public with strangers about the news. And when the news is negative, we tend to shake our heads about how sad it is, adding that there’s nothing we can do about it, so we move on to other topics. But, if you keep the conversation going by bringing up some of the data I just mentioned, and then perhaps adding an anecdote of your own (i.e., “something like this happened to my family member/neighbor/friend”), then you will cause the person you’re chatting with to think about it and perhaps sympathize or even empathize!
Recent discoveries in neuroscience indicate that data coupled with emotions related to sympathy and empathy has staying power within us. The next time that stranger hears about public disrespect, the more likely they are to declare it a bad thing. Getting folks to acknowledge and label what’s happening as a problem, rather than ignoring it or turning away with feelings of powerlessness, is one way to start.
- See Respect; Say “Respect” – most of us do our best to be respectful in public, but we don’t boast about it, we just do it. However, research indicates that when we talk about respect in public, it does make a positive difference with others. For example, when you see someone behaving respectfully toward someone else, point it out: “That was very respectful of them to thank the staff for cleaning up the mess they made on aisle 7.” Or if you’re standing in public with a friend or a group and you see someone behaving disrespectfully in public, talk to your group about the importance of respect. For example, you could say, “Sometimes it’s hard for people to be respectful, but it actually makes everyone more comfortable when we are.”
Saying the word “respect,” actually makes as difference.
- Redirect with Respect – recently I saw a man filling up his car with gas at Costco while loudly berating a teenager in the passenger seat at the same time. What he was saying was very disrespectful and hostile. Noticing that everyone around, including the station staff, were watching and listening, I felt relatively safe and took a chance.
“It’s a beautiful day everyone, right?!” as loudly as I could.
Everyone looked at me, including the shouting man, and I smiled broadly at him. Then another person, pumping gas in the car behind him, responded to me by saying “It certainly is!” loudly enough for everyone to hear. The angry man immediately stopped yelling at the teenager, which was my intention.
By redirecting the attention of someone who was being publicly disrespectful, we can potentially de-escalate the situation and demonstrate that we don’t have to be passive bystanders. In fact, redirecting the attention of those who are behaving badly is a classic de-escalation technique used by police departments, school psychologists, and parents everywhere.
Of course, intervening when people are publicly disrespectful is risky because they may be so out of control they’ll go after you. So, if you’re going to do it, avoid directly confronting the disrespectful person and never try to stop disrespect with more disrespect. Instead, maintain a safe distance, ensure you have an exit and try to redirect them by saying or doing something that is both respectful and noticeable by all.
So even though public disrespect appears to be rampant, we don’t have to stand idly by. We can talk to others about respect, even strangers, especially when we see people behaving respectfully. And when we see public disrespect, we don’t have to turn away. We can redirect the bad actors’ attention carefully, and perhaps provoke respectful behavior and better outcomes. Public disrespect is a serious problem infecting our society and our workplaces. Let’s recommit to doing something about it.
