Last week, I offered my thoughts on the opinions of Harrison Butker, a professional football player with the Kansas City Chiefs, who kicked off a major controversy recently with his address at Benedictine College’s graduation ceremony.
Many reasonable, decent, and thoughtful people with all sorts of political and religious leanings considered his address to be ignorant, disrespectful, misogynistic, bigoted, intolerant, and downright insulting to women who chose to follow their career dreams rather than become a mother and homemaker. I agreed with them.
Eventually, the NFL weighed in and so did Andy Reid, the Chief’s coach. Some of what he said was helpful, especially when he reminded us that an NFL team, like all sports teams, is very diverse.
“We’re a microcosm of life here. Everybody is from different areas, different religions, different races.”
But when it came to respect, he offered a perspective that misinterprets the essential meaning of the word. It’s a mistake that many make.
“We all respect each other’s opinions,” he said.
Really? Are you sure about that Coach Reid?
Think about it for a moment. When you say you respect someone’s opinion, that literally means you genuinely hold that opinion in high regard, and that it is worthy of others’ consideration and regard too. And, when you tell someone that you respect their opinion, they often interpret that to mean that you agree with them, even if you don’t.
But that’s not what you really mean, is it? When most people say, “I respect your opinion,” what they’re really saying is, “I disagree and I don’t respect your opinion. But I don’t want to fight about it or get into an argument with you.”
This is a common conflict avoidance tactic that usually works…in the moment. But it also often becomes a baseline from which we operate in terms of the relationship; defining what we’re willing to talk about, and what we’re not. In some cases, once we learn of someone’s viewpoint, even though we tell them we respect their opinion, we lose respect for them and distance ourselves from them, perhaps even ending the relationship altogether.
From my perspective as the Founder of the Center for Respectful Leadership, the opinion that women should prefer to stay at home and be mothers is extraordinarily disrespectful and unworthy of my respect, regard, or thoughtful consideration. I’m sure as heck not going to say to anyone that I respect that opinion.
As rational, thoughtful human beings, if we respect ourselves and our own perspectives, we must recognize that some opinions are simply not worthy of our respect, and we shouldn’t say so just to avoid an argument.
So, stop saying “I respect your opinion,” when you really don’t. You’re undermining your respect for yourself and your own opinions when you do this.
What can you say instead that honors your own opinions, keeps your self-respect intact, and ends the discussion? Try…
- “I respect your right to have an opinion on this issue. Let’s talk about something else.”
- “I respect you as a human being. Let’s talk about something else.”
- “I respect the fact that there are many different opinions on this issue. I don’t want to get into them here. So, let’s talk about something else.”
To his credit, after saying he respected Butker’s opinion, Coach Reid did go on to say something important and universal about respect.
“…we respect everybody to have a voice. It’s the great thing about America, man. And we’re just a microcosm of that. My wish is that everybody could follow that.”
Good for you, Coach Reid. I respect your opinion.
