I’m pretty sure that by now most people have heard about the incident during the recent Academy Awards ceremony. No, not the industry-shaking fact that for the first time in history a streaming service won a Best Picture Oscar, for the indie film, “CODA,” (Children of Deaf Adults).
Rather, everyone’s attention was galvanized by what is being called the “slap heard round the world,” actor Will Smith jumping up on stage and slapping comedian Chris Rock for a tasteless joke made at the expense of Smith’s wife. The next day Mr. Smith “apologized” publicly to Chris Rock via Instagram.
As many in our Respectful LeadershipTM community are aware, we believe that making what we call, “A Full Apology,” is a key leadership skill. If done right, a Full Apology can make a positive difference. But bad or “faux” apologies can make things worse.
There are seven simple components to a Full Apology…
1. Admit It – own what you said/did, be specific.
2. Describe How It Hurt Them – let them know you know how you hurt them. Never make it about you and how you were hurt.
3. Make No Excuses / Don’t Use “Weasel Words” – saying “I had my reasons,” and “I was angry/frustrated/upset” are excuses. And, saying “I’m sorry IF/THAT you were offended,” and/or “I didn’t mean to offend…,” are weasel words. Just don’t.
4. Apologize Sincerely. Ask for Forgiveness (If you must) – say “I’m sorry” from your heart.
5. Make a Promise, “Never Again.” If you don’t, then you leave open the door to doing it again, rendering your apology opportunistic and hollow.
6. Offer to Make Amends – Offer to make amends; ask how they would like you to do this.
7. Start Immediately – start making amends (in the way the other person prefers), even if they don’t accept your apology.
Research indicates that when a Full Apology is offered sincerely, with genuine remorse while following these guidelines, respect for the person who is apologizing increases and the apology is more likely to be accepted and the offense forgiven.
Let’s analyze Will Smith’s Instagram apology and see if it all adds up to a Full Apology. We’ll grade each step in his performance as follows…A – Well Done, B – Exceeded the Standard, C – Met the Standard, D – Below Standard, F – Failed / Did Not Do
1. Admit It: B
“Violence in all its forms is poisonous and destructive.”
This is true as a general statement. But he could have been more specific about his own violence.
2. Describe How It Hurt Them: C+
He didn’t do this at first, but later he specifically talks about his behavior “staining” everyone’s “…gorgeous journey…”
3. Make No Excuses / Don’t Use Weasel Words: C-
“My behavior at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable.”
This is a valuable statement in any apology. But he goes on to make an excuse…
“Jokes at my expense are a part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear, and I reacted emotionally.”
So, he’s saying here that he’s okay being the butt of a joke, but he can’t control himself when faced with a joke at the expense of his wife. Reality check: lots of even worse digs have been uttered by hosts during the Academy Awards, and famous peoples’ spouses (especially those who are also famous) have been the butt of comedian’s jokes like, forever (just ask the Clintons). But as far as I know, the offended didn’t jump on stage and assault the comedian. This reads like an excuse.
4. Apologize Sincerely: B
“I would like to publicly apologize to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. I would also like to apologize to the Academy, the producers of the show, all the attendees and everyone watching around the world. I would like to apologize to the Williams family and my ‘King Richard’ family. I deeply regret that my behavior has stained what has been an otherwise gorgeous journey for all of us.”
This part of the apology exceeds the standard, mostly because it’s comprehensive, directed at specific people. He would have earned an A grade here if he hadn’t mentioned being embarrassed or that the behavior was not indicative of the man he wants to be. These are givens, and a subtle way of making this apology about him, indicating that he believes he is somehow a victim of his own emotions. He probably didn’t intend this, but that’s how it reads.
5. Make A Promise, Never Again: F
He didn’t make any promise about not doing it again. So, might he be violent again?
6. Offer to Make Amends: F
He didn’t make any offer of amends. He could have, for example, mentioned something about signing up for an anger management course, and/or donating to a Victims-of-Violence fund. But he didn’t.
7. Start Immediately: F
Again, no mention of what he was going to do differently.
Intangibles: sincerity, genuine remorse.
Even though it’s written, and we can’t sense whether it’s a sincere apology with genuine remorse, I’m inclined to give Mr. Smith the benefit of the doubt that it is. But then, he closes with this statement…
“I am a work in progress.”
This is an excuse and, once again, making it all about him. And he’s stating the obvious. We’re all works in progress. We’re all human beings. We all make mistakes. And we should make Full Apologies for them. Will Smith could’ve done better.
WILL SMITH APOLOGY FINAL GRADE: C-
