Given recent events in the US and in many other countries, none of us should be surprised when we say that the evidence indicates that right now the amount of public disrespect – where people are saying and doing very disrespectful things to each other out in the open – is at, or approaching, an all-time high. As proof, we’ve already mentioned numerous incidents of public disrespect in previous articles, and would add that most recently, we’re seeing a significant uptick in this abhorrent behavior in schools.
But this week we can add another outrageous act, one that goes horribly beyond public disrespect, to what is a very long, sad list: the deliberately planned and executed mass murder of ten people in a Buffalo grocery store by a self-avowed racist, who deliberately chose a predominantly Black neighborhood to execute his killing spree using an assault weapon upon which he’d written racial slurs.
The murderer, a young white man, said he was motivated to commit this act of domestic terrorism by a false belief that was created long ago by white supremacists: the so-called Great Replacement Theory. This “theory” holds that Jews, people of color, and liberals (basically anyone who is not straight, white, far-right conservative and calling themselves Christian) are somehow deliberately using immigration to destroy the White majority in the US and turn the country into some kind of socialist/communist/fascist/totalitarian/godless state (note, many believers in this false “theory” somehow consider these political systems to all be magically interchangeable).
Partly because it is absurd, wholly unproven, and fundamentally repulsive, “replacement theory” was once considered a perverted extremist view held by just a few sociopaths on the far right fringe. But it has now gone mainstream in the US and many other countries via the internet and Fox News and other right-wing media. Yes, mainstream. Sadly, a recent study indicates that nearly one third of Americans believe some or all of the “replacement theory” to be true.
There’s no point anymore in trying to debate this nonsense rationally (frankly, those who believe it are in my opinion way beyond changing their minds). But that doesn’t mean you have to stand idly by while someone spews it in public along with all sorts of other disrespectful, hateful, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, and bigoted comments that clearly go over the line of decency and civility. You do have options, not necessarily easy ones, but options, nonetheless. The key is, whatever you say or do, you must be respectful because…
Trying to stop disrespect with even more disrespect never works and will almost always makes things worse.
Gregg Ward
Here are your respectful options when dealing with disrespectful remarks, in ascending order of difficulty.
1. Ignore It, Change the Topic. You can always ignore a disrespectful comment and immediately change the topic to something neutral, like the weather. This is the easiest option and the one that is least likely to generate conflict, which is why it’s most often used. The problem here is that while it may momentarily cool the situation, the person still put their disrespectful remark out there and no one held them accountable or called them on it.
2. Acknowledge That It’s a Loaded Topic. This is slightly harder to do than ignoring the disrespectful remark because it requires you to remember a specific sentence right after you’ve been understandably triggered by what’s been said. But, if your goal is to de-escalate the situation gracefully before going onto another topic, you could simply say, “Well, I think we can agree that this is a loaded topic, let’s move on,” and then change the topic.
3. Call Out the Comment as Inappropriate and Disrespectful. When you feel that ignoring a disrespectful comment isn’t enough and that you have to address it directly, you can call out what was said as inappropriate and disrespectful, taking care to avoid labeling the person who said it negatively, because that might provoke them and escalate the situation. Note, you can also use other words to describe the comment, such as, “bigoted, sexist, ignorant, hateful, wrong, disgusting, etc.” Beware, if you do call out the comment, be prepared, the person who said it might become defensive or go on the attack. In this case, your next course of action could be…
4. Insist On Respect. Clearly state, “You will NOT say disrespectful things like that around me.” When you say this, you are making it clear that you will not tolerate disrespectful remarks. The challenge here is that saying this could generate a “what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it?” response. At this point, if you have any kind of a relationship with this person, you can leverage this by saying…
5. “I Thought You Respected Me.” By saying “I thought you respected me,” you are forcing the other person to examine the impact of their words on their relationship with you. If they care, even a little, about the relationship, then it’s likely they’ll say, “I do respect you, but… .” As soon as they say, “but,” you must cut them off by declaring…
6. “Good. Then You Won’t Ever Say That – Or Anything Like It – Again.” If you say this forcefully enough, it’s likely that will end the discussion and you can move on to something else.
Sadly, nine times out of ten, anyone who makes disrespectful remarks or spews a racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, or bigoted conspiracy theory in public has very likely spewed it before, with little consequence, or worse, agreement by others.
So, if you’ve heard them say things like this before, and/or you’ve gotten to the point where you feel you’ve had enough and need to permanently end the relationship, then here’s what you can say…
7. “Wow. That’s something white supremacists / religious cult members / bigots / misogynists / anti-Semites / domestic terrorists say. I didn’t know you were a (whatever you specified). That’s the end of our relationship.” And then of course, you need to walk away.
By the way, and this may seem a little odd, you can say any of these things (except maybe, “I thought you respected me”) to someone you’ve literally just met who decides to spew disrespect. These options still work, even with strangers, unless of course the person is a sociopath, looking to insult you or provoke a fight. In that case, you’re best bet is to get away from them as quickly as you can.
Again, most of these options take courage and presence of mind. But if reasonable, respectful, and decent people continue to allow people to spew disrespect without consequence, then our public discourse is destined to descend even further than it is, and we will square off against each other disrespectfully more and more. Violence is sure to follow; and in fact, is already here.
