At the Center for Respectful Leadership we’ve found that many people want concrete answers to critical questions about respect and Respectful Leadership™, especially in regard to respect in the workplace. So, we’ve collected the top ten, most frequently asked questions into this little primer. Our goal is to offer common-sense, jargon-free, culturally-appropriate answers to your tough questions about respect.
Q1. Do I have to respect someone’s opinion even though I don’t?
A. No! While it’s important to respect everyone as a human being, saying you respect their opinions, even when you really don’t, is called “lying,” and (we say this respectfully) lacking in integrity and self-respect on your part. Think of it this way; if someone expresses their heartfelt opinion – for example, that the earth is flat – it’s going to be hard for anyone who knows this isn’t true to respect that opinion. Short answer: if you don’t respect someone’s opinion, then don’t say you do. Here’s how you can respond when someone insists that you respect their opinion: “I respect your right to express that opinion and I respect you as a human being.” Note: this may not be enough for them, so the answer to Question 2 may come into play.
Q2. Should I respectfully “agree to disagree”?
A. You can. Most people say this when they’re fed up with arguing, just want to keep the peace, preserve the relationship, and/or it’s clear that neither party is going to change their opinion. There’s nothing inherently wrong with respectfully agreeing to disagree, especially when doing so prevents an escalation of tension or conflict. Just be aware that you may have less respect for the person afterwards, and the issue may not be resolved.
Q3. Do I have to respect my elders?
A. This is a tough one because so many cultures insist that you do. In general, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with respecting one’s elders. But the reality is our elders – even our beloved parents and grandparents – are flawed human beings capable of being disrespectful, bigoted, misogynistic, violent, disingenuous, disagreeable, and willfully ignorant – just like everyone else! Whoever is insisting that you respect your elders no matter what they do or say is requiring that their negative and disrespectful behaviors, attitudes, and opinions must be overlooked and/or ignored, regardless. Our research at CRL shows that typically, we will consciously (and sometimes unconsciously) lose respect for our elders when they engage in behaviors and/or say things that we find aren’t worthy of our respect. We may not say anything to them about it; we may even still love and obey them, but we lose respect for them, nonetheless.
Q4. Must I respect someone’s religious beliefs?
A. Religious faith, by definition, is about believing in intangible, oftentimes supernatural, miraculous concepts, ideas, and beings that cannot be scientifically proven or validated. Or they contain centuries old authoritarian, antiquated, absolutist, hypocritical, and even bigoted, sexist, and misogynistic tenets. Respecting those beliefs can be difficult for those who believe differently or don’t believe at all, especially if those beliefs are disrespectful of others outside of that faith and/or infringe upon on others’ rights and beliefs. But, openly saying you don’t respect someone’s religious beliefs may be perceived as an attack on the core of who they are. In the workplace, we recommend you not discuss religion at all and instead simply say that you respect each person’s right to hold religious beliefs or none at all. Again, this may not be enough, which means that once again, agreeing to disagree (Q2) may be in order.
Q5. Must I say I respect someone’s political beliefs and opinions even when I don’t?
A. This is another big “No!” But remember, politic beliefs – like religion – are all about ideologies, ideals, principles, doctrines, myths and/or symbols that are held and professed passionately, typically for a lifetime. So, when discussing political beliefs with someone (which you really shouldn’t do at work), if you don’t respect theirs, then don’t say you do. Now, we recognize that some people find it easier to lie just to keep the peace. This is understandable, and yet sad. So, what can you say? We refer you back to the response we suggested in the answer to Q1: “I respect your right to state your political opinion, and I respect you as a human being.” Again, agreeing to disagree may come into play here too. Unless politics is your job, we recommend you avoid all political discussions at work – especially if you’re in a leadership role – because the risk of blowing up a relationship and increasing what we call “the trust gap,” is just too great.
Q6. Must I respect those in authority?
A. The answer is, “it depends,” although many cultures insist that you must, no matter what. Imagine you’re in the middle of an emergency, or a life and death situation, and someone in the military, or the police department or fire and rescue service commands you do to something. It’s probably best that you respect them and comply with that order, simply because if you didn’t, things may get worse for you. But, in other situations, blanket respect for authority can be perceived as tacit approval of their behavior no matter how inappropriate or disrespectful. For example (caution: trigger topic coming), imagine you’re a bystander to an incident involving the police and a suspect who is under arrest, and you conclude (rightly or wrongly) that the police are using excessive force. It’s likely you’ll have no respect for those officers at that moment. So no, you are not obligated to respect those officers or their authority, but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave disrespectfully toward them. One of the key practices of Respectful Leadership is called RespectfulDon’t #1: don’t try to stop disrespect with more disrespect. You can have zero respect for those officers AND still attempt to hold them accountable respectfully. This is, of course, much easier said than done.
Q7. OK, I understand the “authority” answer, but what about my boss? Must I respect them?
A. It depends. Does your boss treat you with respect, specifically in ways that you want to be respected (this is called “The Platinum Rule,’’ more below, see Q9)? If they do, it’s likely you’ll respect your boss. But, since feelings of respect and disrespect are just that, “feelings,” sometimes respect and disrespect are not the result of rational, cognitive thought. Instead, they are responses to a lack of a threat (respect) or a threat (disrespect) which are generated in the primitive, reptilian brain. So, it’s likely that if you perceive your boss as respectful toward you (and/or others within your group), then it’s likely you’ll respect them. But the challenge here is what happens if you feel they are being disrespectful to you. And given the power dynamic, what do you do about it? Here, we refer you to the answer to Q3, about respecting one’s elders. But at the end of the day, if you don’t feel respected by your boss, then you probably don’t respect them, and this is likely to make working for them particularly challenging, to say the least.
Q8. Doesn’t respect have to be earned?
A. This powerful and seemingly simple idea has been in play for, like, forever. But it’s more complicated than it seems. Our answer: it depends on who’s doing the earning. Our research at the Center for Respectful Leadership has led us to the conclusion that if a person in authority (such as your boss) insists that a subordinate (you) earn their respect, it’s likely that you will lose respect for them. This is because very few people are okay with being told that they have to earn their boss’ respect. It sounds and feels like a condition of employment, i.e. “I’m your boss, and if you don’t earn my respect, you’ll be out of a job, or won’t get your bonus, etc.”). But, interestingly, the reverse isn’t true. When your boss makes a good-faith effort to earn your respect, usually by treating you in ways that you consider respectful (There’s the Platinum Rule again, see Q9), then it’s likely you will respect them. This is because they’ve turned the power dynamic on its head and they know that they will benefit from deliberately earning their subordinates’ respect. This bodes well for your working relationship. In short, at CRL we believe that a respectful leader strives to earn the respect and trust of those they lead, not the other way around.
Q9. Isn’t the Golden Rule a respectful leadership practice?
A. Yes, up to a point. The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is on its face, a viable leadership practice. It’s also commonly known and part of every culture. But, while leading via the Golden Rule may work for you with many people, it doesn’t work with everyone, especially in today’s diverse workplaces. This is simply because not everyone wants to be done unto in the same ways as you do. For example, you may like being really direct-and-to-the-point with the people you work with, and you appreciate it when they do the same with you. But respectful leaders are aware that there are plenty of people and cultures who find the direct-and-to-the-point leadership style to be disrespectful, and who will turn off or shut down when it’s used with them. So, in addition to leading using the Golden Rule, you should also lead using the Platinum Rule, coined by Dr. Tony Alessandra who says, “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Essentially this means that you need to find out how those you lead want to be done unto and adapt your style accordingly. In short, Respectful Leadership is all about practicing the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule together, consistently.
Q10. Isn’t being a Respectful Leader really all about being nice?
A. Umm, no. Here’s the thing, being nice to others is…well, nice. But it’s not necessarily as important, nor as valuable or useful as respect. Consider this: most leaders strive to improve their team’s performance, collaboration, and productivity. Being nice won’t necessarily help you do those things. Being respectful will. Here’s an example: you pay a member of your team a compliment on their presentation, and they’ll likely think that was nice of you. But, if you also take them aside and respectfully provide them with constructive feedback on how they can improve their presentation, they probably won’t say you were being nice. Still, if you gave them that feedback respectfully, in ways that that we call “respectfully direct,” so that they could hear it without being triggered, and then take action on it, then they will probably say, “Thank you for that feedback. It was hard to hear, but helpful.” We also need to be aware that “too nice” leaders – who are conflict averse and reluctant to give any constructive feedback at all – may be causing more problems for themselves and their teams than necessary. In short, when it comes to leading people, nice is a “nice-to-have,” but “respect” is a must-have and far more important than being nice.
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