Recently, after I delivered a keynote on Restoring Respect, the head of HR at a large LA-based corporation approached me with a perspective I hadn’t considered.
“We all know that many employees call human resources professionals in their company ‘the HR police.’ But what they don’t realize is that some managers really force us to play that tough cop role. They’re too afraid, or too conflict averse to discipline their employees themselves,” she continued, “So, they make us do it for them.”
She has a point. A few years ago, I wrote about the perils of having a ‘too nice culture,’ where managers fail to give feedback of any kind, or hold employees accountable out of fear of how their employees will react or of being labeled as a ‘jerk’ or worse. What I maintained then, as I do now, is that we shouldn’t equate being respectful with being nice – they’re two different things. Nice, is a nice-to-have; but being respectful is a business imperative.
Unfortunately, somehow, many managers fail to see the difference, or haven’t been informed of the distinction. So, whenever there’s tough feedback to be given about poor or inappropriate behavior, lacking the skills of being direct respectfully, they turn to HR, to ‘let the police handle it.’ Sadly, this just underscores employees’ biases against HR, which is the last thing they need, especially since HR isn’t typically respected by employees or leadership.
So how do you – as a manager – give direct feedback about behavior respectfully, without summoning the HR police? We’ve consistently found that the process called SBI-R, originally developed by the Center for Creative Leadership, along with what we call the HEAR technique and Respectful Remarks are the best ways to provide feedback effectively and efficiently while reducing the chance of upset, defensiveness and pushback.
Here they are…
SBI-R a simple and quick process for giving someone feedback and making request for behavior change.
Situation: you remind the person of the specific situation that you’re giving them feedback about
Behavior: review the behavior (or lack of) that you’ve observed, for example: “I’ve noticed recently in meetings that you’ve been interrupting your colleagues frequently.”
Impact: describe the impact of the behavior on them, their colleagues, you, and the organization, i.e. “the impact of interruptions is people feel disrespected and not listened to; they think that you’re not considering their perspective or ideas.”
Request: make a request of them (or coach them to come up with a go-forward strategy of their own). “Instead of interrupting, I’d like you to make notes and give me a signal that you have something to say. I’ll come to you when others have finished what they need to say.”
It’s helpful to think of giving feedback using SBI-R as a kind of short trip you’re making with four different stops along the way. To make the trip safely and get to the final stop, you’ll need a few rules of the road. That’s where the HEAR technique comes in.
When people get defensive when you’re giving them SBI-R feedback, you’ll want to try using the HEAR Technique.
H.E.A.R. Technique: a simple way to acknowledge the emotions that someone is expressing while receiving feedback; letting them know you understand that they are feeling frustrated, defensive, worried, etc.
Hear the
Emotion in their voice, see it in their body language, then
Acknowledge those emotions, i.e. “I can see that this is frustrating,” “I imagine this is something that’s upsetting to hear.” And acknowledge that these feelings are understandable, then add in…
Respectful Remarks.
Respectful Remarks: things you can say to someone before and during feedback that will encourage them to open up, decrease their defensiveness, self-generate possibilities for next steps.
To Open Them Up, ask questions, such as…
- “Would you be willing to talk about this in a way that we’re working together on solutions?”
- “Would you be open to a conversation around what I see is working for you and where’s there’s room for improvement?”
- “How would you want me to give you feedback in a way that you would be able to hear it and take action on it?”
To Decrease Defensiveness…
- “I respect you for your knowledge/experience/talents/skills/the way you treat others (choose the one that fits best for the circumstances).”
- Avoid “But,” replace it with “And.” Example: “I respect and value what you’ve done for us in the past, AND I think there are behaviors that are getting in your way.”
- Assume positive intent: “I’m certain it wasn’t your intention to offend your colleagues, I’m thinking that you just want to move the conversation forward and get things done.”
To Promote Possibilities…
- “OK, now that we’ve identified the behaviors that are having negative impacts, let’s just throw out some ideas of how we can turn it around for the better? Just go for it, don’t assume anything is off the table.”
- “I have some ideas of what you could do, and I’m sure you do too. What comes to mind?”
- “How can I help you turn this situation around?”
You can use all of these techniques, while giving feedback, directly and respectfully at the same time. Usually, you’ll be respected in return, upset will be avoided, and viable next steps will be identified. And, you won’t have to always be calling HR to be the tough cop about behavioral problems, which should be a relief to everyone, including HR.
