Photo by Alex Martinez on Unsplash
Although it sounds hyperbolic and simplistic, there is little doubt in most people’s minds that this is the most important election in modern American history. And though I sincerely doubt that what I write here will do much to sway anyone, as the Executive Director of the Center for Respectful Leadership, I see it as my responsibility – my duty – to comment on what is happening and to put into context with what we at the Center have dedicated ourselves to: training, public dialogues and coaching on respect, and Respectful Leadership™. This means that standing by and saying nothing while there is so much disrespect in our public discourse is not an option.
If you’re familiar with our work and that of experts on respect, then you know that feeling respected and disrespected are not the products of cognitive, rational thought. Rather, they’re result of more primitive neural processes that occur deep within what is known as our “reptilian brain.”
When we feel respected, our brains release a hormone called Oxytocin, also known as the “bonding,” or “love” hormone. Being respected makes us feel good about ourselves and those that respect us. When we feel disrespected, many of us are subject to what’s known as an “amygdala hijack” which involves the release of very powerful hormones that quickly lead to and support irrational “fight, flight, or freeze” responses. Typically for most of us (even me!), disrespect is our go-to response to language and behavior that we perceive is disrespectful toward us or those we support.
Neuroscience tells us that what Donald J. Trump did when he announced his candidacy in 2015, and continues to do to this very day, is to provoke an amygdala hijack in the minds of Americans who feel aggrieved and disrespected by people they label as elitists, career bureaucrats, know-it-all-experts, tax-and-spend/open-boarder liberals, DC insiders, “feminazis,” socialists, unionists, leftwing radicals, “the gays,” politically correct safe-spacers, atheists, globalists, and snooty academics among many others. Rightly or wrongly, Trump supporters perceive that these groups are at best patronizingly looking down their noses at them and at worst, deliberately trying to destroy “their country.” This fills many of them with indignation and righteous rage.
People filled with rage often believe they have been the “victims” (my word) of what I call an “unrightable wrong,” in other words, they feel so disrespected that nothing will change their minds. And let’s be clear: when you’re in the middle of a rage-fueled amygdala hijack, there isn’t a lot of rational, deliberative thinking going on; it’s all emotion. And this is when “confirmation bias” kicks in; when the subsequent actions and words of those who have disrespected us are interpreted through the same rage-tinted lens, further fueling our anger and outrage.
At this point, it’s imperative to state that ALL OF THE ABOVE holds true for people who are demonstrably opposed to President Trump. They too feel indignation and rage, often stemming from disbelief that normal, reasonable people could support someone they consider to be the “worst President ever,” and who is, in their minds, an ignorant, unqualified, lying, corrupt authoritarian who is deliberately fanning the flames of division, racism, hatred, bigotry, pseudo-science, conspiracy, misogyny and violent extremism while engaging in criminal cronyism and nepotism to enrich only himself, his loyal associates and family.
So, given the neuroscience, it’s completely understandable that people on all sides feel wholly disrespected and as a result, are really, really angry right now. The media keeps saying we’re “polarized,” and they’re right! The fact is, very few Americans are in the mood to thoughtfully consider incontrovertible facts, to listen objectively to or to compromise with the other side. In these times of existential dread, no matter which side we’re on, our emotions will rule the day with sometimes disastrous, and even fatal consequences.
Like it or not, this is the natural human condition. These neural processes are hardwired into us and are in fact, significant factors in our survival as a species. We’ve been doing it this way since long before the dawn of civilization and are likely to continue doing so for centuries to come. But right now, this truth is cold comfort.
What then to do about our current situation? Obviously, vote is one answer. And we at CRL urge everyone to vote. It is our hope that every vote will be counted and that the will of the people will be respected by all. But this is likely to be a naïve hope. Unfortunately, it appears that many Americans have shunted respect to one side in favor of a wartime footing punctuated by declarations of beating the enemy and taking their power and influence away, by force if necessary. And, if they lose the election, they’ve sworn to take to the streets, with many carrying weapons. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is not good.
In my work, when I’m called to work with two people who are accusing each other of unrightable wrongs, occasionally I have to throw in the towel and inform my client respect cannot be won back, that these two cannot work effectively together, and that a major change in direction must occur in order for their organization to return to some level of normalcy and productive functionality.
Sadly, I think that this is where we are now: that respect between those who support President Trump and those opposed to him cannot and will not be re-established anytime soon. I believe a major change in direction must be made so that the country can begin to function more effectively and once again be the beacon of democracy it has been for its citizens and the rest of the world since WW2.
What direction, then? The answer lies in respect. I am convinced that respect and Respectful Leadership™ are the hallmarks of highly functional democracies just as they are of high performing organizations; that great leaders do not deliberately disrespect, denigrate, remove and destroy those who disagree with them; but rather they make a good-faith effort to respect all types of people, even their opponents, no matter who they are, no matter their ancestry, the color of their skin, nor who they love, nor what religion they practice, no matter whether they are pro-life or pro-choice or believe in climate change or not. Respect, I believe, is at the core of great, stable and productive democracies.
So, if we boil it all down, it appears that the leaders on one side of the current struggle for the heart and soul of America are at least trying to value respect and practice Respectful Leadership™, however unartfully. The leaders on the other side are not; their words and deeds make this clear. This makes the choice easy for me and, I believe, for those who agree with me: that respect and Respectful Leadership™ are vitally important for America’s survival, renewal and success.
